Marriage Jokes

48 marriage dad jokes. You asked for it.

Classified Information Wanted

I wish my wife was one of those secret agents who can't spill a word about their day at work!

WifeMarriageTalking+1

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Holiday Math, Honey Edition

My wife set a limit of how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $9.99 on me and $999 on her.

ChristmasWifeBudget+2

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Asking For a Friend

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

WomenDatingMarriage

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Translation Services

The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really meant to say.

WomenWifeMarriage+2

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Husband Of The Year

Every wife should understand one thing: A dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.

WifeCookingMarriage+1

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Same Lighter Different Habit

Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to.

MarriageCommitmentRelationship

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The Safest Pickup Line

If I asked you to go out with me, would your answer be the same as your answer to this question?

DatingParadoxWomen+3

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Procedural Marital Combat

My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

MarriageWifeFight+2

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Two Word Warning

Never trust a woman that says 'It's fine.'

WifeMarriageRelationships+1

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Two-Person Comedy Act

My wife and I share a sense of humor. We have to. She doesn't have one.

WifeMarriageHumor+2

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Equal Outcome Either Way

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter. Nobody listens!

ListeningMarriageCommunication

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Two Words Outclassed

Her: "I'm pregnant!" Him: "You're kidding me."

MarriageParentingWife

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Mirror, Meet Match

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised…

WifeMarriage

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Recliner Confessions

I never understood the true meaning of happiness until I got married... But by then, it was already too late.

MarriageWifeHappiness+1

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Climate Control Issues

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot. But honestly... I’m not a fan.

WifeMarriageRelationship

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Inventory Check

Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from? Must've come from your mom. I've still got mine.

IntelligenceFatherSon+2

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Same Guy New Mood

I'm changing every day. That's the only thing that's constant! Consistency has never been so unpredictable.

Marriage

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Honest Vows

Would you have married me if I didn't inherit a fortune from my father? Honey, I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune.

MarriageWifeMoney+1

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Calendar Has Other Ideas

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said: "Great, I booked it for Thursday."

WifeMarriageDeath

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Heroic Until The Sink

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

MarriageMenRelationships

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Margin Of Error

After many years, I finally got my wife to be on time. But there's one little problem: now she's ready exactly when we're supposed to arrive, not when we're supposed to leave!

WifePunctualityMarriage+2

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Apology With Footnotes

My wife apologised to me the other day. She said she was sorry for ever marrying me.

WifeMarriageApology+2

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Bowl Of Diplomacy

My wife said I make salads too dry. Definitely something that needs addressing...

SaladWifeKitchen+2

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Garage Innovation

My wife said I was nuts for building a car out of spaghetti... But you should've seen her face when I drove pasta!

WifeCarPasta+1

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