Family Jokes

33 family dad jokes. You asked for it.

Goodbye From The Herd

What did the buffalo say when his son left for College? Bison!

FatherSonFamily

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Diagnosing The Family

Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried about how full of shit you are…

InsultFamilyHealth+1

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Bloodline Diagnosis

Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children.

InsanityChildrenFamily+1

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Settled By The Manager

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

ArgumentsEgoFamily+1

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Paperwork On File

I'm not insane. My mother had me tested.

InsanityFamilyRelatable+1

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The Other Einstein

Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.

EinsteinScienceFamily

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Ranked and Filed

Poop jokes aren't my favourite kind of joke. But they are a solid #2.

KidsFamilyHumor

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Grandma Went Long

At 61, Grandma started walking five miles a day to stay fit. Now she is 97! And we have no clue where she is...

FitnessFamilyAging

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Worship Patterns

My teenage son treats me like a god. He acts like I don't exist until he wants something.

ParentingSonFamily

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Management 101

I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming you.

BlameRelationshipsLogic+2

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Sibling Logistics

Please go play with your brother. That's basically why we had him.

FamilyKidsParenting

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Home Audience Behavior

If a mother is laughing at the father's jokes, it means they have guests.

FatherFamilyJokes

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Negotiated Disappearance

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

SarcasmGoodbyeFamily

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Hospital Records, Champ

Were any famous men born on your birthday? No, only little babies.

BirthdayKidsFamily

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Tuition By Combustion

There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

FatherhoodParentingKids+2

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The Family Discount

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome... I'd have 1 dollar. Thanks, Grandma!

FamilyMoney

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Family Checkup

My doctor asked if anyone in my family struggles with mental illness. I replied, 'Nope, we all seem to thrive on it!'

FamilyDoctorMental+1

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Math From The Recliner

Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents as an example.

ParentsFamilyMath+2

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A Quiet Reveal

I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!

BeerDrinkingFamily+1

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With Light Edits

I love you just the way you are, but I do have a few suggestions.

LoveFamilyRoast+1

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The Real Retirement Plan

I just want to be rich enough to threaten to cut people out of my will.

MoneyRichFamily

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Slow Down, Kid

75% of time with your kids is gone by age 12. 90% by age 18. Be present and cherish these years... They go fast.

KidsParentingTime+2

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The Long Game

Treat your kids well! They'll be the ones picking your nursing home.

KidsParentingFamily+1

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Apple, Meet Different Tree

Your kid may be a genius, but you’re still a dummy.

KidsParentingFamily+1

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