MARRIAGE DAD JOKES

48 marriage dad jokes — enough to last a lifetime of car rides.

All Money Work Wisdom Food Marriage Life Math Animals Aging Time Wife Family Philosophy Relationship Drinking Kids Career Music School Job

Classified Information Wanted

I wish my wife was one of those secret agents who can't spill a word about their day at work!

Wife Marriage Talking+1

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Holiday Math, Honey Edition

My wife set a limit of how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $9.99 on me and $999 on her.

Christmas Wife Budget+2

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Asking For a Friend

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

Women Dating Marriage

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Translation Services

The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really meant to say.

Women Wife Marriage+2

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Husband Of The Year

Every wife should understand one thing: A dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.

Wife Cooking Marriage+1

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Same Lighter Different Habit

Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to.

Marriage Commitment Relationship

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The Safest Pickup Line

If I asked you to go out with me, would your answer be the same as your answer to this question?

Dating Paradox Women+3

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Procedural Marital Combat

My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.

Marriage Wife Fight+2

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Two Word Warning

Never trust a woman that says 'It's fine.'

Wife Marriage Relationships+1

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Two-Person Comedy Act

My wife and I share a sense of humor. We have to. She doesn't have one.

Wife Marriage Humor+2

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Equal Outcome Either Way

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter. Nobody listens!

Listening Marriage Communication

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Two Words Outclassed

Her: "I'm pregnant!" Him: "You're kidding me."

Marriage Parenting Wife

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Mirror, Meet Match

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised…

Wife Marriage

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Recliner Confessions

I never understood the true meaning of happiness until I got married... But by then, it was already too late.

Marriage Wife Happiness+1

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Climate Control Issues

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot. But honestly... I’m not a fan.

Wife Marriage Relationship

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Inventory Check

Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from? Must've come from your mom. I've still got mine.

Intelligence Father Son+2

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Same Guy New Mood

I'm changing every day. That's the only thing that's constant! Consistency has never been so unpredictable.

Marriage

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Honest Vows

Would you have married me if I didn't inherit a fortune from my father? Honey, I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune.

Marriage Wife Money+1

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Calendar Has Other Ideas

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said: "Great, I booked it for Thursday."

Wife Marriage Death

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Heroic Until The Sink

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

Marriage Men Relationships

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Margin Of Error

After many years, I finally got my wife to be on time. But there's one little problem: now she's ready exactly when we're supposed to arrive, not when we're supposed to leave!

Wife Punctuality Marriage+2

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Apology With Footnotes

My wife apologised to me the other day. She said she was sorry for ever marrying me.

Wife Marriage Apology+2

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Bowl Of Diplomacy

My wife said I make salads too dry. Definitely something that needs addressing...

Salad Wife Kitchen+2

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Garage Innovation

My wife said I was nuts for building a car out of spaghetti... But you should've seen her face when I drove pasta!

Wife Car Pasta+1

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