BROWSE DAD JOKES

904 jokes and counting — enough to last a lifetime of car rides.

All Money Work Wisdom Food Marriage Life Math Animals Aging Time Wife Family Philosophy Relationship Drinking Kids Career Music School Job

Punctual In My Own Timezone

Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.

Punctuality Time Party

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Calling In Reanimated

Why did the zombie dad stay home from work? Because he felt dead tired.

Zombie Work Tired

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Tuition of Sitting Up Straight

Knowledge is not free. You have to pay attention.

Knowledge Attention Learning+2

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Send Help, Mostly Applause

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing's wrong. I'm just a narcissist.

Attention Ego

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Premium Edition Weekend

Upgrade your weekend, take Monday off...

Weekend Monday Work+2

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Apple, Meet Different Tree

Your kid may be a genius, but you’re still a dummy.

Kids Parenting Family+1

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Top-Down Philosophy

Money can't buy happiness, but it can definitely help you hunt for it faster... in a shiny new convertible!

Money Happiness Cars+1

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Slide Rule Optional

You don't need to be a genius to be an engineer!

Work Career

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Subtraction Problem

War does not determine who is right—only who is left.

Philosophy Truth Wisdom+1

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Cosmic Reassignment

Weigh 200 pounds on Earth? On Mars, you'd be a svelte 76 pounds. You're not fat, you're just on the wrong planet!

Weight Gravity Space

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Heritage Math

I may be just 10% Irish, but on St. Patrick's Day, I'll be 100% drunk.

Drinking

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Lighting Directors Choice

I'm pretty sober, but I'm prettier drunk.

Drinking Confidence Selfdeprecating+1

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Spell It Out, Champ

Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G. Change my mind.

Spelling Letters Riddle+1

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Einstein And A Lawnmower

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world.

Imagination Knowledge Einstein+2

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Loyal And Pretty Smart

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

Dog

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Best Decision Or Hostage Situation

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims.

Kids Parenting Family+2

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Annual Wool Harvest

How do you milk sheep? Release a new iPhone and charge $1,000 for it.

Money Tech

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Beak Off, Pal

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Birds Puns Friend+1

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The Quiet Houseguest

If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.

Conflict Wisdom Feelings

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There Is No Place

Welcome to 127.0.0.1

Programming Tech Home

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Rented Air, Fancy Name

There is no cloud. It's just someone else's computer.

Tech Computer Internet

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Wealth Strategy, Cushion Edition

To be in the 1%, you gotta do what the 99% don't... like hide the remote!

Wealth Money Success+1

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Neighbor Envy 101

The grass is always greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit!

Neighbor Lawn

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The Mirror Lies Less

Aging gracefully means you're slowly starting to look worse.

Aging Old Mirror+2

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